a.sugar.cube.to.a.bitter.tea.

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace, and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace." -Jerry Bridges

This past summer, I was given the opportunity to go to youth camp as a dorm leader. I was not going really expecting anything to happen, but I have come to realize that when you least expect it, God will show up and do something amazing. I think that sometimes, our expectations of what should happen in our lives are nothing. We want something great to happen, but everyone tells us it will never happen. I know for me I have had a calling placed on my life and those who are closest to me could never come to terms with what God wanted for my life. More often than not, we let other peoples words and views of our lives dictate what we do, but really, it should be Gods words directing our life story.

Camp has always been a week for me to get away and have fun. And,it was a week for me to get away and just relieve some of the stress that I had, but in the midst of all of this, God had something bigger planned for me. Forgiveness is something that I have always struggled with in my life especially forgiveness toward my dad. All of the hurt and pain in that has literally almost killed me over the years. I have finally been able to deal with all of it and God completely broke my heart and it was finally the time to give it all up. One other thing that I was not expecting was the forgiveness of self. This is what I dealt with the most at camp. I felt so bad the first two nights at camp because I knew I was supposed to be there to pray with the students, but I just felt like I couldn't do it and that it wasn't the right time. I almost wanted to just put up a wall and go pray for them anyways, but I felt that God wanted me to deal with somethings in my life first. Forgiveness of self is so important and I am glad that God showed that to me. I keep a lot of this locked up inside of me and its so hard when it all builds up and then comes crashing down. God broke me of some sin that I have been struggling with for years and I couldn't be happier. God's grace is so much bigger, stronger, and more amazing than I could ever imagine.

.lost.innocence.

Those big brown eyes staring and not knowing what all is out there. That picture that sits on my shelf is a constant reminder of innocence that I used to have growing up as a little girl. This picture is of a little brown eyed girl in pigtails with a look of her own not caring what is going on because she doesn’t need to. I find it so funny now looking at that picture and knowing that I used to be just like her. Not really knowing or caring because I was too little to realize that the world was so much more than I could have ever imagined.

Many times I draw inspiration from pictures as I have found something in this picture that reminds me of being young and not having a care in the world and then to think of where I am now and where I have come.

It is something that takes place with in us when one day it just all makes sense that there is a world out there and that we are a part of it. Little kids never really have that sense of responsibility but we all grow up and come to terms with it. Another thing that really strikes me especially after looking at this picture is an innocence that we have as children, but all that is stripped away from us because we are forced to grow up. It is sad and tears my heart apart when I see kids that are involved in situations that cause them to grow up faster than they should. I want to stop them and make them realize that they are going to miss this. Which reminds me of the country song, your going to miss this, and how it talks about growing up and letting the days go by so fast with out realizing or enjoying all that life truly has to offer.

I work with junior high and high schools kids on a weekly basis and I desperately want to reach out and pour into their lives so that they realize what the world is and show them that becoming lost in worldly things is destructive. Being a little girl and wearing that pretty dress, all dressed up pretending I was older now is only a fading memory, oh how I wish I could go back to those days. When I see little girls I want so desperately to make them stay young and never grow up. All to often they grow up and sadly give into all the world has to offer and end up defiling the beautiful body that God gave them and it makes me so sad. Don’t ever loose that innocence that you once had.


I want to write a book on this very topic. It would be to girls in Jr. High and High school. However with the rate at which things are moving these days I could see the book going to much younger girls. Be careful I say and proceed with caution. Know the world in which you live in, but avoid being corrupted. In all, always remember as you grow up what is was like to be a little girl and not have all of the pressures of the world upon you. There are days that I look at this picture and wonder why I ever had to grow up. After going through all that I have been through, I don’t want you to ever grow up and experience the hurt, guilt, and sadness that I have experienced. Let me shelter you and guide you.

.structure – discipline=chaos.

Structure demands discipline without it, it is chaos.

Structure demands discipline, without discipline, structure is chaos. So, we have no order if there is no discipline. What is structure, discipline, and chaos? To me, structure is something that has a form or shape to it. It is that way because it was shaped, or in some way made to hold that specific position. If there were no specific form to it, this “structure” would be nothing . . . in other words there would be chaos.

We as humans are /were designed to have structure. We were not created to run amuck. God set before us free will yes, but within reason, we do, whether we like it or not, have rules/guidelines that we are to follow. This is our discipline. Now in light of all of this, we do in fact have a choice. We can choose to either follow these rules/guidelines because as we have grown up we have learned to discipline ourselves, or we can choose not to. This allows other to do the disciplining for us which in a way is itself, chaos.

Structure – Discipline=Chaos

This can be seen in a couple of more specific examples. For example, line, queuing lines. These are the structure which creates discipline because people fall into in instead of standing randomly where ever they want. Lines are the structure for which we are disciplined in knowing that without this structure there would be chaos. The order that is put in place should not be taken away.

Another example of this is that is somewhat crazy, but completely true is how this relates to driving in a foreign country. Now, if you have ever been in a foreign country especially third world country, driving is just flat out scary. For some reason, the roads, signs, traffic signals, and the people driving have absolutely no sense of structure. Now this could be do to lack of government involvement, But the lack of structure, causes a great lack of discipline, causing an even greater amount of chaos. Which in the end could ultimately cause death, but I haven’t seen it happen yet. . .

Nothing of disorder can become order.

We are given the following example: A desk with papers all over, which is unorganized, is in a room with no one in there. Can the papers on the desk become organized? No, they cannot, not without some sort of action, exerted energy, or effort that is put forth. However, the opposite is true. That which has order can become disordered. Take for example a pile of leaves. This pile once was of disorder. However, by means of a rake and energy, the disorder became order. Now, the wind picks up and the leaves are scattered across the yard causing the once ordered leaves to be disordered.

Counter Argument (Nothing of disorder can become order.)

What about in the case of molecules that are liquid. If the liquid freezes wouldn’t that be order. The properties of water make me think that water in a liquid state id more chaotic and disordered than when it is in a solid state. So, in this case I would say that the statement, nothing of disorder can become order, would be false.

Created for Structure

As stated above, we were created by God. There is structure to what He has created and because we were created in His image, I would be inclined to think that we too would strive for structure and with that discipline in our lives. Chaos does not seem logical to me and I am happy with structure so that I know what I am doing. However, sometimes that means trusting God for structure in our lives!

.the.difference.

"Today in a corner of the world someone is hungry, hurting, homeless. That someone could be you. People live without light, without sight, is that right?

I'm an average joe just trying to make ends meet, can I make a difference?

One day in a corner of the world a light went on an idea was born, I AM THE DIFFERENCE between justice and injustice between right and wrong.

The voice lives on when someone takes a stand and says, 'I am the end of poverty, I am a different path. It's never too late, I am belief in your humanity, I am a wave of compassion, I am the end of ignorance,
I am the call for human rights, I am human, Love can change the world, I am jobs not jails, I am clean water, I am the hands that heal all mankind, I am light and the gift of vision, I am the heat that keeps a child alive, I am the dream that becomes reality, I am greening our industry.'

What about now?"

This one one of the key things our youth group (Eikon) focused on about 3 weeks ago when we launched causes. Many of us have been on missions trips and it is always so fulfilling coming home knowing that you have helped people in so many different ways, but we have started to wonder why not here? Why not where we live? Do we always have to travel out of state or country to still be a blessing in peoples lives? No, we don't. there is so much to do here in the surrounding community that we decided that it was time to find causes that we could invest our time into.

The following are just my thoughts as I sat at the alter reading the above, and taking in everything:

Just sitting here looking at the screen reading those words just floods my mind with memories of missions trips and encounters with people who have been less fortunate, miserable, or lacking hope. Knowing that I can be and have been a difference in peoples lives makes me cry just remembering all of those times that I looked into those eyes or somewhat felt that pain or need. There is also an overwhelming sense of joy and I feel so blessed to have been apart of something that is and was so much bigger than me. To be able to extend a hand to the hurting, a smile to the hospitalized, or an encouraging word to the homeless are all experiences that I will never forget. Every moment of my life is worth it knowing that I am extending God's love to those who may need it most. Causes is an exciting thing that will do so much for our community and I am looking forward to the days to come to be a light in a world of darkness and confusion. I think people are so desperate for something more and this is going to be an amazing opportunity to meet the needs and desperation of these people.

.a.year.of.my.past.

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” -Frederick Buechner

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace, and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace." - Jerry Bridges

its a new year and i am amazed at how much has gone on in the past year. i am excited to start off fresh again, even though im not quite sure where im going yet in life. but thats the mystery of it all and the real test of my faith and trust in God. more and more i realize what grace and mercy mean and how much God has really given to us. this past year was full of ups and downs and moments of learning about myself and making mistakes to learn from. i have figured out that you never really do grow unless you learn from your mistakes.

i have reached new and higher limits than i ever thought would be possible and all the while, through it all, my Daddy, was there watching me; grow, cry, laugh, fall, love, hurt, and learn. its been a rough year to look back on, but i know that without God's grace, i would not be here today. i find a new love, a stronger and deeper love every day. im still amazed that despite every downfall that someone could love me so much for me just for the way i am inside and out and it changes me and my thoughts of myself. self worth has be tossed and scratched at over the years and somewhere along the road, it got lost and i had to reclaim it this year through many struggles and battles, im still fighting for it and still finding myself again and most importantly, im learning how to love again. to love myself so that i can love others the right way and love the ones closest to me even though those are battles in themselves.

there isn't a moment that goes by that i don't thank God for this life and for my real battles and struggles. they make me who i am and i wouldn't give them up for anything. its how i am learning to better relate to people and it has opened me up to so many more things which leave me in awe of who my real Daddy is.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." [Phillipians 4:13]